Mid-career wayfinding now that (gestures broadly at everything)

The ongoing Pandemic / Dumpster Fire of 2020 has put many of us out of jobs, diminished our business, or fundamentally changed something about our work that warrants re-evaluation. For me, it dried up the steady stream of contract projects I had been getting from my previous employer, and forced me to retreat from the co-working space I’d been operating out of into my backyard workshop shed. Now – I like my shed, but we all know what happens when beardy guys in hoodies spend too much time alone in sheds.

The beards grow long as the days grow short – and as the Starks say: Winter is coming.

My initial idea when I left my full-time role as Director of IxD at Bresslergroup was to take a step back, and to give myself the space to be open to new opportunities. I knew it was time to move on, but I had no clear destination. I only knew that I needed to make a change, and allow myself the freedom to explore. I felt confident in a fairly steady stream of project work, and perhaps I’d pick up a few other clients along the way. I’d continue to work in the city, sharing a space with a diverse group of creatives and entrepreneurs, making serendipitous connections and following them wherever they might lead.

Then on March 13th it all came crashing down.

The email from our pre-school: We’re closed for 2 weeks.

Me: I’m between projects anyway - it’ll be fun to watch the kids!

Instead of going to the city everyday, socializing with friends and colleagues, and practicing the fulfilling craft I’ve spent the past 20 years mastering, I’ll stay at home with my 2 and 4 year old boys, try to keep them from destroying the house and each other, and scramble desperately from one moment of chaos and uncertainty to the next.

We all know that it wasn’t 2 weeks. It was forevs. My pipeline of work evaporated. Eventually we adjusted, falling unto routines and activities that helped tame the chaos. It was spring - we spent a lot of time outside. In retrospect that time with my kids was a priceless gift. I began to comprehend how much of my life had been wrapped up in my work. My previous schedule – leave at 7:30 and return at 5:30, then put the kids to bed at 7 – seemed absurd.

We buried treasure from mysterious “Pirates” around the yard for the kids to dig up. I dunno, WTF else were we supposed to do?

At the same time I felt a tremendous loss - a huge missing piece in my life. I loved always having a problem to chew on, something to challenge and occupy my mind. That vast swath of time every day where I could think adult thoughts, be good at something, find satisfaction in my work. Pondering strategy, noodling with ideas, testing hypotheses, having breakthroughs. It was all just… gone.

Something else was missing too. With each passing day I was slowly losing my grasp on fundamental aspects of my identity. The Professional, the Expert, the Respected Creative Leader. The one who goes out and competes in the world, and returns with the bounty of his efforts. He’s good at what he does, and always knows what to do. Compounding this was a lack of social feedback – the information reflected back to me from others about how they perceive me – that ultimately informs my own self-perception. My clients and colleagues who saw me as The Expert were gone, only my wife and kids remained and frankly, they weren’t all that impressed.

I filled the work-shaped hole in my life with little projects nobody asked for, like this outdoor sink out of scrap materials we had laying around

If all of this is starting to sound like the ramblings of someone who’s spent a little too much time thinking thoughts in their shed, you are correct. The point is, I no longer have the luxury of waiting for the ideal opportunity to present itself. I need to figure out where I should be going, and find ways to get there. In the past, I’ve been fortunate in that the way forward seemed clear to me, and the opportunities presented themselves in due time. I have more possibilities now, and less clarity. There’s a lot for me to figure out, and perhaps for you as well. I’ll be sharing my thoughts as I work through some of these things, and I’d love to hear your thoughts and your stories. Hopefully we can navigate these murky, COVID-infested waters together – at an appropriate physical distance of course.

Up Next – Part 2: Into the darkness: defining career attributes